Saving the Planet — One Asshole at a Time

For the last 40 years or so the pro-choice movement has used the mantra “Keep the government out of my womb” (with the occasional “Keep the government out of my bedroom”). Now the U.S. populace as a whole might have a new mantra on the way: “Keep the government out of my anus.” (I would have used “Keep the government out of my bathroom” but the size of toilets is already regulated to help save water per flush; never mind that you can flush more than once per session.)

…Sheryl Crow wants the government to regulate how much toilet paper you use per bathroom visit, but it’s to help stop global warming, so you should support it. Crow and An Inconvenient Truth co-producer Laurie David are currently on their Stop Global Warming College Tour and Crow writes the following in her tour blog:

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

…I’m assuming that Crow takes herself seriously (I certainly don’t), so let’s humor her fascist views and ponder how the government could actually control how much toilet paper we use per visit to the porcelain throne. I’ve come up with two possible ways.

…The first way is to have every bathroom all across the country be installed with some kind of contraption that will hold the toilet paper and dispense your one square. Being good global warming soldiers, we’ll have to program each toilet paper distribution contraption to prevent people from going overboard each day in an attempt to hoard it to use all in one sitting. Thus, we’ll have no choice but to make it log when you make your visit to the water closet.

…The second possibility is more intrusive and more expensive. We’d have to form a Department of Toilet Paper Monitoring, which would be a cabinet-level department that would oversee the installation of cameras into each and every bathroom across the nation. Toilet Paper Monitoring Department workers would watch you pee and defecate while watching to make sure that you use no more than your allotted amount.

…I feel as if my IQ has dropped by just discussing this nonsense. The worst part is that Sheryl Crow is probably dead serious about this. No—wait; the worst part is that there are probably other Americans who are now going to push for government regulation of toilet paper use per bathroom visit in an effort to save the planet.

…This is what the global warming movement has become.

Reference
▪ The Washington Post (screenshot)